Roll Bounce

My head feels like scrambled eggs right now. Or maybe it's just sitting in the middle of one of those great big fluffy clouds that looks dense from down here, but when you zoom through in an air plane it just looks like fog.

I envy people that can go through life taking the hits as they come at you. "Bonk!" and they just roll bounce over the jagged parts not really feeling the poke. Me, I feel like I'm falling down a flight of stairs that was carved into the side of a cliff and they forgot to take away the really jagged rocks along the side. When you roll you hit them all and they tear pieces off of you as you panic for a hand-hold on the way down.

It takes me awhile to get my bearings back. To process the fall and figure out how to climb back out. The roll-bounce people, they are like helium balloons. They are too big to leave the confined stair well and only bounce into the jagged rocks-- they don't actually hit them hard enough to pop.

Today, at work, was like that.

I work hard, or at least I feel like I do. I work hard to learn my job so that I can do it asleep. I can do it with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back. I can explain how to do it half-drunk to the novice on the other end of the phone in the middle of the night while air-sirens wail in the background.

lol

I take pride in my work. Half of the process we do, systems we have set up, I created. They are my babies. But for that reason, I'm a control freak. If something is happening with my baby, I want a say-so. I need to know that I'm still going to be able to do my job as efficiently tomorrow as I did yesterday. I'm also a perfectionist. I hate going back to fix things. Pisses me off.

Today when I walked in to the office, no more that 10 seconds through the door, I was told that two people that have nothing to do with a system I work on daily and even hourly have decided to change a major component of it.

Roll-bounce... bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk

I talked them into waiting a month, after I'd sat and processed for about five hours, but the slide down the cliff really wreaked havoc on my concentration.

After that, it was an entire day of talking about other processes that need to be re-done... as I watch my to-do list grow with priorities and things I can't put off. Hours of talking. I have no concentration left, and I still have hours of work to do.

Sometimes I think about getting a different job. Having freedom to go home a 5pm and forget about everything, not have to stress about the stuff still on the desk screaming about deadlines. Someday.