Lists, Lists, Lists

As a defense mechanism to try and regain control, I keep making lists in my head. Lists of things I will need to do and want to do in the event of a worst-case scenario-- insulin pump, meal planning, taking Meg to Disneyland while I still have energy. Doctors I'll want to see-- hypnotist, Chinese doctor, acupuncturist. (You know I'm worried if I'm willing to put aside my extreme fear of needles to seek alternative medicine.) Things to buy-- a Nintendo DS to have in the waiting room or during treatments (I can dream, though it wouldn't be a necessity), warm socks and new baggy sweatshirts.

There's a blog/note going around about 25 things. The object is to name 25 things about yourself that others may not know. I'd already done 16, so for the 25 I figured I'd put a twist on it and see if I could come up with 25 fun scrapbook pages about myself to create. In light of the mind games, that quickly changed to 25 things I'd want Meg to know about me.

What's my legacy?

I look around my office at the books, the scrapbooking supplies, the pictures and keepsakes, and they are all blurred into meaningless frosting. The sentimentality has been erased as I try to define who I am and what I'd want passed on.

Will anyone tell her about my top 10 list of men's hands, or about the shoes I wore until they were cracked in half because I didn't want to buy another? How will she know that she comes from a long line of people that are great with their hands, or that she will probably not be happy unless she always has a creative outlet in her life? What will she remember about me? She's only 4, will she remember how I used to give her millions of kisses when I tucked her in bed at night, until she begged me to stop? Or, how many different kisses we invented together? How many questions she'd ask me over and over and over about why God invented trees and cars and Kleenex and bowls and dogs and whatever else she could think of, until the bounds of my knowledge and creativity were exhausted?

Would she remember my favorite color or perfume?

Would she remember me?