Sometimes It Sucks to be a Parent

Next August, my husband and I will celebrate 20 years together. Not married, but together. It took us a little while to get to the alter.

To celebrate I am planning a huge trip. One of those all out, gee I think I just broke my bank account, kind of things complete with limo rides and beautiful accommodations. If it works right, it will be to Washington DC, one of only about four places in the world where I don't think he will kill me for doing it. (The other places being Colorado, Alaska, or Canada.)

Planning a vacation like this is not the difficult part. No, what's difficult is having to think about what might happen. Plane crashes, freak limo accidents, random shooters in DC, terrorist attacks-- stuff on a normal day you wouldn't think about. But when you have a child-- it's hard not to think about those things.

We've been putting off a conversation that we've needed to have for about two years now. It's the "If we die, who inherits our child" conversation. Trust me, it isn't a fun one to have, which is probably why we've put it off. Seriously folks, I don't want anyone to have her. I want her. So having to force myself to think about who gets her in the event is somewhat heartbreaking.
But you have to do it, because even from the grave, you want what will be best for them. So this means that you get to study your family and friends. Which one of them will raise her closest to the style in which you yourself would. Who has the energy for a 3-year old. Who would make sure that she still saw grandparents, cousins, and would make sure to carry out any additional wishes you have. Then, in addition to that, you have to figure out how much of the money should go to the child and how much to the people that you've chosen. Should they split it 50/50? Should they get all of it because technically they will now be raising her with all that added expense? And, exactly how much does it cost to raise a child from age 3 to 18?

That is, after you've subtracted how much it would cost to finish paying off the house (because we really want her to have that timeless reminder of us for a little while - not to mention that it's an investment). The property taxes for the next 20 years, and any other bills we've left outstanding.

It is a tough choice to make. But we did it. We narrowed it down to two potential entities, and yet... part of me wants her on that plane just because I don't want to give her up. Which is just so incredibly selfish of me.

So then I think, well maybe I should take us somewhere that I can travel by train. Somewhere where the possibility of falling from the sky lessens a great deal. But dang... it's Washington DC. It's a once in a lifetime thing.

I have a feeling I'm going to be choking back fear for the rest of my life. Either with things that she will do that scare the crap out of me, or with things that I will do that scare the crap out of me. Sometimes it really sucks to be a parent-- especially when considering one's own demise.